Literature and pop culture likes number four. Well, I guess we're into dualities and trinities as well, but when we sort things into four, we can really explore how society works, at least on a microcosmic level. The four elements, the four humors. It's a fun pastime to determine which niche we fit in. J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter books often makes for one of the more popular personality surveys, the house sorting. Gryffindor, the house of daring-do, Ravenclaw, the house of exteme cleverness, Hufflepuff, the house of fair play, and Slytherin, the house of...something vaguely sinister, but don't judge a book by its cover, okay? Cracked! also recently did a piece on how one fits one's social circle into four easily divisible pieces. So it seemed natural (If incredibly dorky) to ponder how the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would be sorted into Witchcraft and Wizardry. (Ignoring that they possess no magical powers and as nominal citizens of New York, they are outside Hogwarts jurisidiction) Of course, they turtles' outward qualities seem to make them easy to sort, but it occurred to me it's not that simple. It should also be said that the Sorting Hat is about choice, and that very rarely is a student destined for one kind of house. It's about how we define themselves. And hey, who knows more about defining oneself than an orphaned mutant reptile with the name of an Italian painter well-versed in ninjistsu?
People probably associate Raphael with Slytherin. He seems to be the most ornery, and Slytherin is not a House renown for its avuncular nature. I think this also may have a little something to do with fanfiction's (particularly writers like Cassandra Claire's) own interpretation of Slytherin in general, and Draco Malfoy in particular. That is to say, wizards as imagine by Joss Whedon. Irreverent, iconoclastic, snarkers who secretly hope for redemption. But there's really very little in that whole mess that resembles Slytherin House. Whether or not J.K. Rowling has been fair in her representation of them, people forget they aren't anti-establishment, they are establishment. They don't have a problem with authority, they have a problem with Dumbledore. They tend to resent when they're not in charge, not possess a skepticism of the chain of command in general. They can be quite partisan about things. Also, they don't seem to have much of a sense of humor outside the "so's your butt" school of wit. Which granted, Raphael can stoop to that level when he gets angry enough. But he's a loner, an outsider, and very intent on looking clever, to say nothing of preoccupation with looking cool. Ralph is just the most likely to look at his family and think "This can't be it, can it?" Raphael is kind of the rarer facet of Ravenclaws...he's a little bit more belligerent than they tend to be, but I think in general, he has the skepticism and taste for the exotic (Anyone get the sense he's the turtle most likely to make the move on April?) that I can imagine him in this house. They may even give him more outlets to express himself than his very small pool of associates can provide.
A first instinct would be to place Donatello in Ravenclaw House. It's seen as the "big brains" club of Hogwarts, and Don is certainly the requisite polymath all cartoons requite in order to whip up the "machina" in the deus ex machina (to say nothing of inventing impressive new swag to fill the toy shelves with). And I'm not saying Donatello wouldn't find a niche here, but there's one major thing to keep in mind; Donatello is just not eccentric enough. I mean, yes, whenever Don explains neutrinos or something the other turtles shrug, but he's hardly the black sheep. In fact, they kind of defer to him. I'm not saying Ravenclaws aren't tinkerers, but they're geniuses of the Nicholas Tesla variety. If they were to engage in science, it'd be of the mad kind. They'd ostracize their fellows, either with an Aquarian love of doing so, or an Aspergian obliviousness they're doing it. Of all the turtles, he actually seems to be the least prone to doing his own thing, except when requiring the solace to concentrate. Don's actually brilliant, but his inventions are a means to an end. He's less likely to whip up an invention to show off as to be given a task and using his resources to surmount it. Of all the turtles, Donatello seems to he most invested in the foursome as a cohesive unit--he's just there to do what he can. Thus, he's perfect for Hufflepuff.
Fan fiction has sort of mythologized Slytherin as the house of outsiders. The malcontents. The iconoclasts. This is largely because their pursuit of the "Dark Arts" has made them seem more "wizardy" than the rest, as well as fixation on the dynamic between Severus Snape and Harry's father, James. Gryffindors are the "jocks" of Hogwarts, so their natural enemies would be the anti-jock. This of course ignores little Draco Malfoy being as Quidditch crazy as anyone. No, it's just that bringing our muggle filter through the upside-down wizarding world we sometimes forget that the Slytherins are the traditionalists. A lot of times, this kind of manifests itself through allegories for white supremacy, but it's very clear that a SLytherin is very likely to be very...clannish. When house founder Salazar Slytherin made his concerns about not allowing muggle-borns, it was a fear of muggle society. And Leonardo, while far from contemptuous of the human race, seems to fall in line with Splinter's isolationism. It should also be said Leo has been a bit of a Luddite, or at least a fetishist for old-timey warrior practices. He seems to have the most reverance for ninjistsu, bushido, and I even the occasional enlightenment-era swashbuckling. The point is, Leo seems like somebody who would be reasonably happy in a previous century (or a t least a romantic interpretation of it), the modern mutagenics that made his cognizance possible notwithstanding.
Michelangelo is probably thrown into the Hufflepuff house, because it just has it in fandom that it's the house with no discerning qualities. This is of course, a mischaracterization of the badger-standard. The thing is, Mikey would never get along there. For one thing, is work ethic is atrocious. Secondly, he has a force of personality that would chafe under the collective nature of Hufflepuffs. Mike's a born Gryffindor. Is there anyone else who displays the dueling traits of an insatiable joi de'vivre combined with a crippling neurosis like perennial Gyrffindor House attendees, the Weasleys. I think of all the turtles, Michelangelo has the strongest feelings about heroism--it's just Leonardo is more committed to duty. Michaelangelo always seems the first to hero-worship (he's the Ninja Turtle with the most extensive, if not only, comic book library), and hungers the most for adventure for its own sake. He's also, mind you, an inherently lucky person despite his lack of discipline. As I've alluded to before, there seems to be a resentment towards Gryffindor House amongst some fans, probably in no small part Gryffindor claiming the house cup the duration of Harry's academic tenure. But that's just thing, Gryffindor only started collecting the cup after a long, long absence from it. And it really wasn't getting those kudos through an Academic decathlon, or even Quiddich successes (The team tended not to win the cup half the time) but through Harry and friends' daring, conspicuous stunts. Not unlike Mikey's breezing through the Multiverse fighting championship despite all logic.
As for Master Splinter? Well, with his love of serenity and penchance for Renaissance Art, he's clearly a Beubaxtons Beauty.
